A confession and an understanding

Typically I will not do this, write about my personal issues. I have people that I talk to, but I do not feel that this is the proper venue for such things. In this case, however, I am making an exception to share something that I believe will be meaningful to whoever reads it.

I have all the skills to be a pastor. I have a very active mind that thinks in abstract ways. I can decode a Bible verse with the best of them and draw out its meaning. I am philosopher at heart. I can preach, teach, give a Bible study, confront anyone on sin. You name it, as a pastor I can do it.

What I lack are the skills to be a Christian. Sad irony, I know, but true. I do not really have a relationship with Yahveh. I suppose on shallow level I do, but the fact is that whether I want to admit it or not, Yahveh is just a tool for me. Any motivation I have to get closer to him or to let him into my life is simply a stepping stone for getting something that I want.

I wanted to become a better person to get a girl, to show her that I was worthy of her. Of course being the intelligent Christian, I knew that the best way to become a better person is to get close to Yahveh. So I did, honestly thinking that it was for the right reasons. I am apparently a master at deceiving myself.

By now any possibility (if there ever was) of that relationship has gone the way of the Dodo. With it went my motivation for getting closer to Yahveh. For the longest time I have tried to convince myself that it was some other reason why I seemed to be in such a rut with God, but I cannot avoid the truth any longer. I am not getting closer to Yahveh because my motivation is no longer there.

This in no way is a knock on the girl or anything related to her. In fact, she has nothing to do with the real problem; the situation simply helps illustrate my point. I only get closer to Yahveh when it will ostensibly get me something that I want. Yahveh has become an means to an end, rather than an end of itself. No wonder I am in such a rut with him. I am the worst of fair-weather friends.

I have deep commitment issues. Long ago, I taught myself to never make promises in case I could not keep them. Ever since I was young, I would never extend my hand so far that I could not draw it back if I needed to. Perhaps this also has to do with my innate and deep distrust of people, I do not know. More likely this is just plain selfishness on my part.

Like I said, I never commit to anything so that I can be free to do what I want. This usually involves wasting my time in front of the computer or TV, disconnecting myself from every form of reality. I say no or maybe to events. Even on the rare occasion I say yes, there is at best a fifty-fifty chanced that I will actually show up. My promises and word means nothing. And honestly, neither should it. I am often unsupportive, unprepared, uninterested, unreliable, uncaring, and all around lazy. This is how I have treated my friends and family and this is how I have treated God. This, I am realizing, has got to change.

I am now truly intending to commit myself to Yahveh. There is (as far as I can tell) no motive for pursuing a deep relationship with him. He is the end, not the means. Things are going to change for me, big time. I am going to have to give of myself, my time, my interests, even my personality. It means that I am going to have to commit myself to being there for Yahveh and others. It means keeping my word and giving it my best, whether I feel like it or no. It means really getting involved in something that is living like Jesus, no matter how awkward or time-consuming it is. It means truly investing in people for their sake, not mine. Yes, things are going to change. For those who I have let down (which is just about anyone who has ever met me) I am deeply sorry. I hope that I have not damaged things too much to be beyond the point of repair. Tomorrow is a new day.